Int. Grocery Store - Day

Bill has two cans of soup in his hand, reading both labels.  He is approached by a shopper.

Shopper

I’m sorry to bother you but has anyone ever told you that you look like Ozzy Osbourne’s son Jack Osbourne?

Bill (politely annoyed)

No, never heard that one before.

Shopper

It’s amazing, really.

CUT TO:

Bill is in a book store, reading the back cover of a book.  He is approached by a clerk.

Clerk

Hey, great book.  Did anyone ever yell you that you look like a slightly taller Danny DeVito?

Bill (annoyed)

Nope, that’s a new one.

CUT TO:

Bill is in a bar by himself.  A female bartender approaches.

Bartender

Another drink?

Bill

Sure, thanks.

Bartender

You know, you look just like Bob Hoskins in the movie Hook.

Bill (annoyed)

Gee, what a compliment, thanks.

CUT TO:

Bill is waiting in a doctor’s office.  Another patient enters the waiting room.

Patient

Andy Richter!  Oh My God, I didn’t know this was your doctor.

Bill

Sorry, I’m not Andy Richter.

Patient

Oh, I’m sorry.  You look just like him.  Like a slovenly, overweight Andy Richter.  But I bet you get that all the time.

Bill (annoyed)

Nope!  That’s a new one for me.

The doctor enters.

Doctor (to Bill)

Bruce!  Bruce Valanch, I wasn’t expecting you here.  Nice haircut.

Bill

Not Bruce Valanch!  I am not Bruce Valanch.

Doctor

Oh geez, sorry Bill.  The resemblance is uncanny.  I bet you even trick yourself sometimes when you look in the mirror.

CUT TO:

Bill is sitting on a park bench.  He looks like he is at the end of his rope.  A woman walks by.

Woman

Sorry to bother you, but I just have to say this.

Bill

Save it!  I know, I look like Ozzy Osbourne’s fat stupid kid.  I get it!

Woman

Actually, I was going to say you look like Thomas Jane.

Bill (shocked)

Thomas Jane?  The Punisher!  Wow, thank you.  Thank you so much.

Woman

Yea, a very overweight, uglier, less talented Thomas Jane.

Bill

Of course.

Bill walks down the path and into traffic.

NOT FUNNY BLACKOUT.