September 29, 2011
O.K., Cupid

Int. Living Room - Night

Bob and the Roman god Cupid are sitting on the couch.  Bob has a laptop open on the coffee table.

Cupid (pointing at the screen)

You should definitely ask one of these girls out.

Bob

Eh, I don’t know.  They don’t seem very interesting.

Cupid

Not interesting?  This one crochets.  Crochet!  Usually, old ladies do that but this woman is your age.

Bob

The only reason people crochet now is to prove how un-hip they are.  It’s totally ironic.

Cupid (angry)

It’s totally interesting and you love it!

Bob

O.K., O.K., Cupid.  Calm down.

Cupid

I’m a pro at this.  I’ve created a highly complex scoring rubric to decide how much of a friend someone is and how much of an enemy they are.  It’s a foolproof plan.

Bob

I don’t understand how numbers can accurately explain my thoughts on dating.

Cupid

Don’t question the system!  It works and you are dumb for challenging it!

Bob

Geez, O.K., Cupid!  Don’t be such a spaz!

Cupid

I’m not being a spaz.  I know what I am talking about.  And you should put more pictures on your profile.  Girls love looking at pictures.  And it will make your profile more complete and ultimately more appealing to women.

Bob

How does the completion of my profile make me more appealing?  I want women to like me for who I am, not for how well I can create an online dating profile.  Which, by the way, is sad and embarrassing for me.

Cupid

The system works!  It always works!  I am the god of fucking Love, you asshole!  I know what I am doing.  I’ve been doing it for, oh, I don’t know, how long has the Earth been around?  FUCKING FOREVER!  I’ve created love so strong it has ruined empires, so don’t fucking question me about how to find love.  I AM LOVE!

Bob

O.K., Cupid.  You know what?  I’m not doing this.  I am not cut out for online dating.  And I am certainly not appreciating your abusive tone.  So I’m done. 

Bob closes the laptop.  Cupid draws and arrow, places it in his bow, and aims it at Bob.

Cupid

Open that computer. 

Bob

Don’t point that at me!

Cupid

Open that fucking computer!  You are not going to be a notch in my failures column.  I matched up Frida Khalo and Diego Rivera and NOBODY thought either of those ugly bastards would ever find anyone!  And you aren’t nearly as bad as either of them.  So open that damn computer or I will put this arrow directly into your brain.

Bob

You wouldn’t dare!  You are such a pushy, mean, overbearing little baby man!  Some people are just loners!  They are destined to a life of bachelorhood.  Why can’t you just let me be!?

Cupid

That’s it!  Prepare to travel the river Styx!

Cupid screams as he unleashes his arrow.

BLACKOUT.