Int. Living Room - Night
Bob and the Roman god Cupid are sitting on the couch. Bob has a laptop open on the coffee table.
Cupid (pointing at the screen)
You should definitely ask one of these girls out.
Bob
Eh, I don’t know. They don’t seem very interesting.
Cupid
Not interesting? This one crochets. Crochet! Usually, old ladies do that but this woman is your age.
Bob
The only reason people crochet now is to prove how un-hip they are. It’s totally ironic.
Cupid (angry)
It’s totally interesting and you love it!
Bob
O.K., O.K., Cupid. Calm down.
Cupid
I’m a pro at this. I’ve created a highly complex scoring rubric to decide how much of a friend someone is and how much of an enemy they are. It’s a foolproof plan.
Bob
I don’t understand how numbers can accurately explain my thoughts on dating.
Cupid
Don’t question the system! It works and you are dumb for challenging it!
Bob
Geez, O.K., Cupid! Don’t be such a spaz!
Cupid
I’m not being a spaz. I know what I am talking about. And you should put more pictures on your profile. Girls love looking at pictures. And it will make your profile more complete and ultimately more appealing to women.
Bob
How does the completion of my profile make me more appealing? I want women to like me for who I am, not for how well I can create an online dating profile. Which, by the way, is sad and embarrassing for me.
Cupid
The system works! It always works! I am the god of fucking Love, you asshole! I know what I am doing. I’ve been doing it for, oh, I don’t know, how long has the Earth been around? FUCKING FOREVER! I’ve created love so strong it has ruined empires, so don’t fucking question me about how to find love. I AM LOVE!
Bob
O.K., Cupid. You know what? I’m not doing this. I am not cut out for online dating. And I am certainly not appreciating your abusive tone. So I’m done.
Bob closes the laptop. Cupid draws and arrow, places it in his bow, and aims it at Bob.
Cupid
Open that computer.
Bob
Don’t point that at me!
Cupid
Open that fucking computer! You are not going to be a notch in my failures column. I matched up Frida Khalo and Diego Rivera and NOBODY thought either of those ugly bastards would ever find anyone! And you aren’t nearly as bad as either of them. So open that damn computer or I will put this arrow directly into your brain.
Bob
You wouldn’t dare! You are such a pushy, mean, overbearing little baby man! Some people are just loners! They are destined to a life of bachelorhood. Why can’t you just let me be!?
Cupid
That’s it! Prepare to travel the river Styx!
Cupid screams as he unleashes his arrow.
BLACKOUT.
