September 25, 2011
Devil Priest

Int. Dining Room - Night

A mother, father, and two teenage children are seated at the table.  A priest is seated at the head of the table.

Mother

Father, would you say grace for us?

Priest

Of course.  We will start this prayer as we start every prayer.  In the name of the GUUURGLE, and of the son, and of the holy spirit.  Amen.

The priest does not skip a beat in his speech.  The family is stunned by the loud noise and hastily cross themselves.  With each successive gurgle, they are progressively more disturbed.

Priest (con’t)

We give thanks to the GUUURGLE for this beautiful day and for the bountiful feast spread before us.  While we are grateful to you, Oh GUUURGLE, we know we are sinners and ask for your forgiveness.  GUUURGLE, we hope that we can follow in the footsteps of your son, GUUURGLE.

Father

Um, I’m sorry father.  Is there something wrong?

Priest

Whatever do you mean?

Father

It’s just…it’s your voice.  Would you like a drink of water?

Priest

Come, come.  I am fine.  Please let me continue.  We beseech thee, oh GUUURGLE, to bless our present assemblage.  We are fortunate to have GUUURGLE in our lives and we strive to do the best we can.

Mother

Father, I think that is enough.

Priest

Are you telling me to stop praying?!  That is very insulting not only to me but to our GUUURGLE and savior, GUUURGLE.

Mother

Please!  Are you not hearing this?  Every time you try to say the words Lord, God, Jesus, or Father you let out this awful sound.

Priest

That’s preposterous.  Listen, I can say them just fine: GUUURGLE, GUUURGLE.

Teenager #1

Dad, I’m scared!

Father

Father, please.  Are you feeling alright?  Have you had a stroke.

Priest

Never felt better!  I can thank GUUURGLE for that.

Teenager #2

He’s probably possessed.  Sold his soul to the devil!

Mother

How dare you say that?  This man is sick and needs help.

Priest

For GUUURGLE sake!  I am perfectly fine.

Father

See!  You did it right there again.  How are you not hearing this?

Priest

In my head it sounds perfectly fine.  GUUURGLE.

Teenager #1

I’m leaving.  I can’t handle this anymore.

Teenager gets up to leave.

Mother

You will sit down at once!

The priest begins convulsing.

Priest

GUURGLE, GUUURGLE, GUUURGLE!  I am Satan!  Ruler of the Underworld!  Bow before me!!

The priest sprouts horrible wings, crashes through the window, and flies away.  The family is terrified.

Mother

You kids don’t have to go to school anymore.

BLACKOUT.