September 2011
29 posts
Evolution Is Not Real
Int. Bedroom - Night
Luke and David, 13 year-olds, are sitting on the floor of the room, surrounded by all manner of snack foods. They have a tape deck attached to a microphone.
Luke
O.K., press record.
David presses record. Luke farts directly into the microphone. They both roll on the floor laughing.
CUT TO:
Int. Class room - Day
Luke and David, teens, are taking a test. David looks...
Bowling Scout
Int. Bowling Alley - Night
A man in his 40s is bowling alone in a pretty empty alley. He bowls a strike and quietly congratulates himself. There is a man watching from behind the lane, wearing a fedora, mustache and smoking a cigar. He sounds a lot like Edward G. Robinson.
Scout
You look good kid, real good.
Bowler
Um, thanks.
Scout
How’d ya like to see your name in the papes,...
Close Sitter
Int. Stadium - Night
Phillies game. Jessica and Luke are in the stands. There is an open seat next to Jessica. A man sits next to Jess and starts invading her leg room with his legs so that they are rubbing up against her.
Jessica (to Luke)
Are you seeing this?
Luke
Yea, these umps are bullshit.
Jessica
No, I mean this guy next to me. He is pushing his legs up against mine.
Luke
Well...
Handshake Stealer
Ext. Street - Day
Mike is walking down the street. He notices Kevin walking towards him from some distance. He waves to him.
Mike
Hey, Kevin! Kevin!
Kevin
Oh, hey Mike!
As they walk towards each other, they extend their hands for a handshake. Slow-motion movement towards each other. Just as the are about to make contact, The Handshake Stealer jumps from out of nowhere and shakes hands...
I Trust Kathy Ireland With My Furniture Design
Int. Conference Room - Deep in the Earth’s Core
Kathy Ireland, smoking a cigar, sits at a conference table with three furniture designers. Next to the table is something covered in a white sheet.
Kathy Ireland
Listen up, you schmucks. This new line of Kathy Ireland brand furniture better revolutionize the way people think about furniture.
Designer #1
Ms. Ireland, we have performed...
You Know Who You Look Like?
Int. Grocery Store - Day
Bill has two cans of soup in his hand, reading both labels. He is approached by a shopper.
Shopper
I’m sorry to bother you but has anyone ever told you that you look like Ozzy Osbourne’s son Jack Osbourne?
Bill (politely annoyed)
No, never heard that one before.
Shopper
It’s amazing, really.
CUT TO:
Bill is in a book store, reading the back...
Hostage
Int. Dungeon - Night
Luke, the hero, is chained to the wall. He has a typewriter and stacks of paper around him. He is filthy and looks defeated. His captor enters.
Luke
Please, please let me go! I can’t type anymore!
Captor
You must type! You have a deadline to meet and if you don’t, we will kill you.
Luke
Then kill me! I’d rather die than have to continue on like...
Jon Voight in Anaconda vs Al Pacino in Scarface
Int. Blank Space - Night
Jon Voight in Anaconda and Al Pacino in Scarface exist together in an unknown time and place.
Jon Voight
My accent is the most offensive.
Al Pacino
My accent is the most offensive.
Jon Voight
You have no idea where I could possibly be from. I may be French, Cajun, or vaguely Central American. I’ve smashed together so many different accents and I’ve...
O.K., Cupid
Int. Living Room - Night
Bob and the Roman god Cupid are sitting on the couch. Bob has a laptop open on the coffee table.
Cupid (pointing at the screen)
You should definitely ask one of these girls out.
Bob
Eh, I don’t know. They don’t seem very interesting.
Cupid
Not interesting? This one crochets. Crochet! Usually, old ladies do that but this woman is your age.
Bob
The...
Bandleader Swallows His Microphone
Int. Elk Lodge - Night
Wedding reception. Guests are dancing, having a grand time. Large band is on the stage with a conductor. He brings a song to its end and the audience applauds. He grabs a microphone, one of those long, skinny ones from the 70s, off his music stand.
Bandleader
Thank you, thank you! It’s a real pleasure to be here, helping to celebrate Stan and Linda’s new...
Kurt Russell for President
Int. Living Room - Day
Five women are sitting around a coffee table.
Woman #1
Now that Elaine has moved to Nashville, we will need to vote for a new Book Club President. Everyone have a pen and piece of paper? Good, then write who you want for president, and don’t vote for yourself.
The women each write down a name, fold their papers, and place them into a glass vase.
Woman #1...
Devil Priest
Int. Dining Room - Night
A mother, father, and two teenage children are seated at the table. A priest is seated at the head of the table.
Mother
Father, would you say grace for us?
Priest
Of course. We will start this prayer as we start every prayer. In the name of the GUUURGLE, and of the son, and of the holy spirit. Amen.
The priest does not skip a beat in his speech. The family is...
It's Only Worth Doing If I Do It With Someone Else
Int. Break Room - Day
Three coworkers are enjoying their break. One of them is holding a flier.
Flier Guy
Hey guys, there’s a farmer’s market at Rittenhouse this weekend. Anyone want to go?
Coworker #1
Oh, sounds fun. But I can’t this weekend.
Coworker #2
Me neither. But I hope you enjoy it.
Flier Guy
C’mon fellas. It’s going to be great! What else do...
A Moment in the Life of the Most Vain Person in...
Int. Living Room - Day
A newlywed couple is showing a group of friends their honeymoon photos.
New Wife
And here’s our tour guide Francisco. He was so much fun!
New Husband
Great guy! So helpful!
The group of friends smile and laugh, all except Tom.
New Wife
And this is the view from our balcony at the resort!
New Husband
We saw dolphins swim by every morning!
The friends are...
My Neighbor Listens to Iron Man All the Time
Int. Apartment - Night
Luke, the hero, is eating dinner at a coffee table while watching TV. From the apartment next door, the opening chords of “Iron Man” by Black Sabbath start up way too loud.
Luke (to himself)
Damnit!
Luke gets up, goes into the hallway, and knocks on his neighbor’s door.
Luke
Hey John. John!
John (V.O.)
Enter.
Luke carefully opens the door. The...
The Largest Collection of Mummies Ever Assembled
Announcer (V.O.)
Recently, a popular museum exhibit called “Mummies of the World” has been making its way across the United States. It is being advertised as the largest collection of mummies ever assembled and no expert has ever had cause to doubt such a claim. That is, until now. On a recent digging expedition in Egypt’s Fertile Crescent region, a team of archaeologists has...
They Sell Vibrators on the TV Now
Int. Living Room - Day
A mother and her daughter are watching TV. A commercial for Trojan Twister Vibrator comes on. The daughter gets uncomfortable while the mother watches blankly. At the end of the commercial, the mother reaches for the phone.
Daughter
NO! No, no, no, no, no, no! No. No. No. Nooooooooooooooooooo. Nope. Uh-uh. No way. Don’t you, don’t you even. ...
Anti-Wing Man
Int. Bar - Night
Two friends are sitting at the bar: Chad, fit, attractive, and well-dressed, and Ralph, pudgy, glasses, awkward but cute in the face. Chad is talking to Veronica sitting on his right while Ralph sits to his left.
Chad
So my friend, totally has a house down in North Wildwood. We party there like crazy. I am SO good at beer pong. We would definitely be on a team together.
...
Beard Wars
Int. Back Stage - Night
The 4 members of the America National Beard Team is backstage at the International Beard Championships. Their beards are comically long, just like they are on the television show “Beard Wars.” They look nervous.
Beard #1
Ok, guys. We can do this. We can win this competition.
Beard #2
I don’t know man. There are some pretty intense beards out...
Don't Lean in Your Chair
Int. Living Room - Day
Two boys, Clint and Ron, are doing their homework at the dining room table. Their mother is ironing. Clint leans back in his chair, balancing on the back two legs.
Mother
Clint, stop that right now!
Clint
I ain’t hurtin’ nothin’!
Mother
You keep doing that and you’ll get stuck that way!
Clint
Yea right!
Ron tips the front of Clint’s...
Lost Baby
Int. Wal-Mart-Day
A clerk is stocking shelves. A woman carrying a baby wrapped in a blanket frantically runs up to him.
Woman
Help! Help! I lost my baby!
Clerk
Okay ma’am, just stay calm. Where did you last see your child?
Woman
I was holding him just like this and then all of a sudden he was gone.
Clerk
So that baby in your hand is not yours?
Woman
No, I just picked this one...
How I Eat Candy
Int. Living Room - Day
Luke enters through the front door. He throws his laptop case onto the couch. He flings his shoes off his feet, breaking a window. He sheds his tie, dress shirt, and pants as fast as possible, leaving him in just undershirt, boxer shorts, and dress socks. He skips into the kitchen, throws open the fridge, and pulls out a chocolate candy bar, triumphantly thrusting it...
Mad Scientist Hates New Year's Eve
Int. Laboratory - Night
The hero, Buck Chancellor, and his companion, Evelyn Baxter, are precariously tied up. The mad scientist, Dr. Maximilian von Thorwald adjusts some controls on a giant apparatus then turns to face them.
Von Thorwald
So, Buck Chancellor! After years of cat and mouse I’ve finally got you where I want! And your precious Evelyn too! You’ll have front row seats...
I Am Your Father
Int. Liquor Store - Night
Luke brings two bottles of vodka to the check-out clerk.
Clerk
I.D. please?
Luke hands the clerk his I.D.
Clerk (con’t)
Hehe, Luke, I am your father!
Luke
Oh my God! Dad!? DAD! I can’t believe I found you! I’ve been looking for you for years!
Luke hugs the clerk across the counter.
Clerk
Um, I’m sorry this is a mistake.
Luke
Oh...
Messy Eater
Int. Apartment Kitchen - Night
Fiona is preparing dinner. Her date, Brad, is at the kitchen table, looking nervous.
Fiona
Glad I finally got you to come for dinner! I don’t know why you resisted it so much, I’m a great cook.
Brad
I’m sure you are.
Fiona
Why don’t you come here and stir this for me?
Brad
I don’t think I should.
Fiona
Come on now. ...
6 tags
A Collection of A-Holes
Title Card: A Collection of A-Holes
#1: The Straw A-Hole
Int. Bar - Night
Two friends are sitting at the bar. One of them has a straw in his glass.
Straw Guy
I’m just saying, the burden of proof lies with the scientists! I don’t see how evolution makes any sense.
Straw guy lifts his drink to his mouth but misses with the straw. He then spends an inordinately long amount of...
Heart vs Mind
Int. Human Body - Dusk
The heart and the mind are speaking to each other.
Mind
Come on, we have to finish this paper.
Heart
It’s so nice out! The leaves are changing and the campus is filled with new students. Let’s go people watching.
Mind
After the paper. We scheduled this time specifically for research and first draft. We cannot stray from the schedule.
Heart
Sucks to...
Mad Scientist Coffee Break
Int. Break Room - Night
Two mad scientists are sitting in in the break room, drinking coffee. They are wearing lab coats and rubber aprons covered in blood.
Mad Scientist #1
Hey, did you get a look at that new lab assistant today?
Mad Scientist #2
The blond? You bet I did. Talk about a prime specimen.
Mad Scientist #1
I wouldn’t be surprised if she was genetically engineered, you...